New hot-flash-pasteurization device allows infants to suckle without alleged risk
[Edited to add: Now that the date has passed, and most of you have figured it out anyway, I’ll clarify that this was an April Fools’ Day piece. Enjoy! -DG]
Readers –– I’m in Washington, DC this week, reporting the latest news from our nation’s capital.
WASHINGTON, 4.1.11. The Food and Drug Administration, long a critic of unpasteurized dairy, announced new restrictions today on a previously-unregulated form of sustenance: mother’s milk. The new rules, which require breast milk to be raised to a temperature of 161 °F (71.7 °C) and then cooled, will go into effect immediately. Women caught breastfeeding infants without first pasteurizing their milk will be subject to fines and, if found in continual violation, liquidation of their assets.
“It came to our attention that individuals were suckling directly from an unbleached nipple,” said FDA spokesman Arthur Steenow. “When we looked at data for the U.S. population as a whole, we realized there was a strong correlation between this intake of unpasteurized mother’s milk and other alarming symptoms, most notably emotional irritability, crying, incontinence, weak limbs, and even a lack of articulate, verbal communication. It became apparent that we needed to move forward with bold action steps immediately.”
While the battle over unpasteurized (also known as “raw”) milk has raged in bovine, caprine and even ovine territories, the inclusion of human milk in the conflict is new.
The exact origin of concerns over unpasteurized breast milk remains unclear. However, multiple sources cite a response to a common lament among breastfeeding women: sore, raw nipples. The FDA, these sources state, began investigating complaints about raw nipples in late 2008, when it stumbled upon the data mentioned by Steenow. After realizing hospitals had received multiple complaints about the raw nipples, the FDA decided to step in and nip the situation in the bud.
However, the agency isn’t planning to leave mothers and infants high and dry. In conjunction with Johnson & Johnson, the FDA is issuing a new product that will allow mothers to pasteurize the milk as it flows directly from the mother’s breast to the infant’s mouth. Known as Hot Mama, the device uses a technique called hot-flash-pasteurization to heat the milk quickly and cool it to a reasonable temperature. The plastic contraption will be available for $29.99 from local drugstores.
But some people aren’t exactly pumped about the news. Raw milk enthusiasts and breastfeeding advocates around the country delivered thousands of signatures to the FDA, objecting to the regulations, and accusing the agency of milking the situation to its own advantage. Many local-food advocates were simply confused.
The FDA is nonplussed. One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, seemed less than empathetic to the public’s concerns. When asked what infants and mothers should do if they object to the new regulations, he shrugged. “It’s the law now,” he said. “Suck it up.”
For more information about the situation, please read the original press release.
Tomorrow: Used-car dealer on Aurora Ave North begins selling the Pacific Northwest’s first local lemons!
Ha ha!! Awesome!
Oh you little stinker. You really had me going until I clicked to see the original press release.
Hope this goes viral. It will help the raw milk movement!
Kimberly
Ha! You had me going too…very clever. I just hope you don’t give the FDA ideas 🙂
Had me going for a second. Then I checked the date. Must remember never to read news on April First.
This “free sharing” of ifnormation seems too good to be true. Like communism.
OMG…I almost had a heart attack……
You totally had my husband and I freaking out. He was so mad that he said, “That’s it- We’re moving out of this country!”
Nice one 😉
You are so right on. This is just where we are headed if we don NOTHING~ Quite scary, but awesome that you came up with a contraption even.
ROFLMGDAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and the sad thing is, you just KNOW some bureaucrat somewhere is thinking “you know, that just might work!”
except of course the device wouldn’t actually be $29.99.
what’s next, vulnerable sector clearances for women who want to breastfeedf?
LMAO! So glad this isn’t true! Can you imagine, UGH!
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Hysterical! Gave me quite a chuckle! (but did have me going for a while! Lol!) It’s April 2nd today, so it didn’t occur to me that it had anything to do with April Fool’s Day! Thank you for posting! 😀
This is THE BEST post ever! Very nicely done, too! Had to share on FB even though it’s not April 1st.
This is not a great idea goverment is focusing in a little negative side thet cannot see the big picture as a whole with the great benefits of nursing you baby, what crazy thing!
LMAO that thing in the pic is a hamster playground, you can even see the wheel. XD